Stop Using the Term NFP Fail
Fertility Awareness Fridays
Good Morning Friends,
This topic has been hanging around in my brain for a good while, so it’s about time I wrote on it. I think I have avoided NFP “Fails” for a couple of reasons.
I know this topic will ruffle some feathers. As a recovering people-pleaser, it makes me a bit nervous to ruffle feathers.
I, personally, have not gone through an NFP “Fail”. I have had my fair share of confusing cycles with anxiety about a difficulty-timed pregnancy, but they have never resulted in pregnancy. So I guess I feel a little unqualified to speak on it.
I am guilty of sugar-coating NFP. There is enough negativity out there about NFP and its effectiveness, so I consider it part of my mission to share the positive sides, reveal the myths, and promote the beauty of NFP, but that does not change the fact that there are real hardships in its use.
I am not a fan of the term NFP “Fail”.
All that being said, let’s talk about NFP “fails”, and why I am putting quotation marks around the word “fail”.
I have discussed previously that there are two different extreme camps amidst Catholic circles. One camp completely disregards the Church’s teaching on openness to life and chooses contraception. The other camp believes that NFP is simply Catholic birth control. The truth is that the Church teaches on NFP for a reason. The problem often lies in how broken people present it. I think one of these problems is the term “NFP fail” or “method failure”.
NFP inherently means that we are living out our call to responsible parenthood and bringing God into our marriage. It strengthens our self-sacrificial love muscles, and every couple is called to prayerfully discern at the beginning of each cycle what God is calling them to.
As Inbox Whine has so cleverly explained, if NFP is sinful, then abstinence is sinful, and we know that abstinence is a good, a fruit of self-control and chastity, which is a virtue we are all called to practice at every stage of life.
On top of that, NFP is so much more than family planning. Ovulation is a vital sign of health for women. God gave us obvious biomarkers, like cervical mucus, that clue us into hormonal and physical health!
Can NFP be practiced with a contraceptive mindset? Yes. But it is not our job to judge others and assume they are practicing with that mentality.
Because Marriage and the practice of responsible parenthood is between the couple and God. Even the Church does not give specific reasons for avoiding pregnancy. The Church, in Her wisdom, gives categorical guidelines for discernment. One person’s mental health may be a greater reason for avoiding than another’s. That is part of our unique calling, crosses, and paths to sainthood.
NFP has a built-in protective mechanism against being practiced with a contraceptive mindset. If someone is practicing it with a contraceptive mindset, they will either give up and turn to contraception, or they will be sanctified through the fiery trial that is NFP.
Finally, we should not be too concerned about people practicing NFP with a “contraceptive mentality” because NFP is open to life. Period. NO buts. And that can so clearly be seen by what has been unfortunately titled “NFP Fails”.
What is an NFP “Fail”?
NFP “fails” or method “failures” essentially mean an unplanned pregnancy. They are termed such because a couple was practicing a method of NFP intending to try and avoid pregnancy, yet became pregnant.
It’s important to point out that a true “fail” is rarer than it seems. I am a part of a very popular Catholic NFP Facebook group. It is worth noting that far more often than not when someone claims a “method fail”, they were not actually, or accurately, practicing an NFP method.
Maybe they weren’t working with an instructor or they were not completely following the method’s instructions, or they knowingly used a day that had the potential to be fertile, or they had made up their own method of NFP, not based on sound evidence and research.
By definition, this means they were actually not trying to avoid pregnancy, or they were not using NFP, so it cannot be labeled as a “fail”.
On the rare occasions a true NFP “fail” occurs, i.e. truly practicing an NFP method to avoid pregnancy where pregnancy occurs, I still argue this is not a fail. Why? Because the whole reason we practice NFP is that it is working with our God-given design, leaving room for God to work. We are not blocking any part of our natural processes, and we are not putting abortifacients in our bodies to prevent/abort new life.
In the case of an NFP “fail”, it is not that something went wrong. What happened is something went very right. A literal miracle occurred, new life. Marriage and sex are ordered toward giving life. When our marriage vows were renewed through the marital act, a new life occurred. Period. There is no fail about it.
*If you made it this far and feel like I am dismissing the struggles in these situations, please don’t stop here.
Why should we not use terms like “NFP fail” or “method failure”?
Here’s why I think we should avoid these terms:
In my opinion, it propagates the belief that NFP is simply Catholic birth control.
No one wants to be labeled as an “NFP/method fail”.
When we are talking about a pregnancy, we are talking about an entirely new human being. I think one of the first steps we can take as Christians, especially pro-life Christians, is to be intentional with the words we use when we discuss our pregnancies.
This does not mean dismissing the hardships or pretending that every pregnancy was planned. With that being said, we do know that words like “fail” have inherently negative connotations, and using them can enhance negative feelings about the situation, which is not helpful for anyone.
If you have used these terms in the past, seriously, no judgment at all. I am simply advocating for us, as a community that is authentically open to life, to find new ways of talking about NFP “fails” to have healthier and holier conversations and approaches around the topic overall.
What do we do when NFP “fails”?
So what do we do when NFP “fails”?
My first advice is to not be afraid to share all your feelings with those you are close with, as long as they are on the same page as you in faith and being pro-life. In this podcast episode from the former “Made for Greatness” podcast, Sterling shares about not feeling shame about the feelings you are experiencing. They do not change your love for this child, and you should process these feelings, suppressing your feelings does no good to anyone. It is okay to recognize that you may be in a challenging phase of life and you have just reasons for being anxious.
Choose a nickname of sorts for referring to your child that will remind you of the miracle he/she is. This will help you to change your mindset around the situation.
As a personal example, my middle child is named Matthias, which means “gift of God”. When we conceived Matthias we were TTW, Trying To Whatever, meaning we weren’t charting super close and were honestly hoping to conceive sometime in the near future. Because I was only 8 months postpartum and still exclusively breastfeeding, we did not think we would conceive that quickly. (There is so much more to his pregnancy journey that is nothing short of miraculous, but this post isn’t the place to share it all).
Anyway, we conceived our sweet Matthias. I was so excited, but due to recent birth trauma, I soon became overwhelmed with the fear of birth. On top of that, some extended family members were just assuming he was an “accident” and started labeling him as such. To that, we started calling him “Baby Gift” before we even knew his gender. Calling him “Baby Gift” was a constant reminder of the gift of his life, and helped me to promote the Christian pro-life mentality. It was also very healing as I worked through my birth trauma to remember that no matter what he was a gift.
Armor yourself with good resources.
Made for This: The Catholic Mom’s Guide to Birth has transformed my last two pregnancy and birth experiences.
Grit. Growth. Grace. Is a podcast run by the editor of Natural Womanhood. She gives tips on preparing for and thriving in the postpartum period. This will help you to feel more in control of the things you may be anxious about.
Make a plan with friends and family for when the baby comes. Talk about your fears and how to overcome them.
If you are a friend that is reached out to, listen and see how you can help or find help for your friend in this situation. We are made to live in community and part of our job as pro-life Christians is to care for the mother and baby.
NFP is hard. Parenthood is hard. Practicing responsible parenthood is hard. This in no way diminishes the goodness of it all. Our paths to sainthood will be difficult. There will be real crosses to carry. For some, this is the cross of infertility. For others, it is the cross of hyper-fertility. As a pro-life Christian community, our job is to celebrate life, to support life, and to be mothers and fathers at least in the spiritual sense.
I see so many people acknowledging that we were made to live in a community, but there are so few truly acting on this need. I firmly believe one of the first steps to alleviate our fears, especially when it comes to new life, is to be that community for others and to humble ourselves and receive the love our community desires to give.
God bless you, dear Friend, and, as always, I am praying for you.
Stumbling to Sainthood is free to everyone, but it is not free to make. I would be honored if you would prayerfully consider financially supporting this little mission. All paid subscribers who donate $5 or more a month receive a minimum of 2 extra newsletter posts a month as well as bonus printable materials, recipes, resources, and access to the whole archive. I am looking forward to offering my paid subscribers more exclusive content this year! Thank you and God bless!